The Humblebragger- Write Right Submission by Anonymous

The Humblebragger
Throwing himself at the exercise bike, he complained, “I can hardly wipe my butt any more.”
“Why?”, she asked, more out of obligation, than interest.
“I’m just too buff. It really sucks being in such amazing shape”, he said, puffing out his chest.
“I’m sure it does”, she replied with an eye roll, then surveyed the gym for an unmolested
piece of equipment.
“It’s like everything else in my life”, he continued, “I’m just too damned good at everything.
It’s a burden. I can scarcely relate to you normal people these days. I just don’t know how
you do it.”
“Do what?”, she inquired, not really wanting an answer.
“Exist, obviously. I mean why bother getting out of bed, when your entire life is one massive challenge after another? You all struggle, with everything, day in and day out. I don’t know how you do it”, he insisted.
“We get by”, she answered, spying an available Stairmaster, and making her getaway. “We get by.”
He began to respond, but she had already left. “Huh. Only five kilometers. Must suck to be such an underachiever. In public, no less”, he said as much to the air, as to himself. Then he wandered over to the Stairmasters. “You left your bike on. And you didn’t wipe it down”, he accused.
“One of the massive challenges I face, day in and day out”, she deadpanned. “Be a
sweetheart and do it for me, will you?”, her request more a reprieve, than a true favour.
He sighed heavily, exhausted from the hard work of being endlessly perfect. “I suppose I
could, but then how would you learn?”, he said, and climbed the Stairmaster next to her.
“With great difficulty, as with everything else”, she said, feeding his assumptions. With thatnshe escaped the Stairmaster and returned to her bike. He followed.
“They want me to run everything!”, he exclaimed, unprompted. “Literally, everything! But I’m only one man. One horribly, terribly, unfairly, gifted man.”
She wondered who “they” were, but not enough to ask the question. He seemed hopeful she would say something, but when she did not, he continued, “It’s not just that I can do
everything. It’s that I do everything so well. Everyone else fails in comparison”, he bragged. “Don’t you mean pales in comparison?”, she corrected.
“No. Of course not. Don’t be such a racist”, he answered.
She finished wiping down her bike, packed up her water bottle and towel, and made for the exit. “See you next week?”, he sounded, hopeful.
“Not if I see you first”, she smiled, vowing never to return to the gym during The
Humblebragger’s workouts.

Comment (0)

  • aretesr45| June 1, 2018

    A fun wry read! Even more than the dialogue, I enjoy the ‘choreography’ as she tries to slip away and is pursued by him and his suffocating insecurities. Cannot help but feel for them both! Thanks for this vignette of ‘gym-rats’ featuring one of the classic types.

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